Healthy living Blog

Carer Diary

July 3, 2008: why caring makes you truly human

Marianne Talbot and her mother

Marianne Talbot reflects on 12 years of caring for her parents and why even now she is reluctant to give up the title of 'carer'

Last night I went to a party in London. I just went. I didn’t worry about what time I’d get back. I didn’t book carers, nor did I make sure mum’s supper was prepared, her bed changed, or anything else at all.

I had a great time.

But twice I found myself saying: ‘…and I look after my mum who has advanced Alzheimer’s’. Even as I uttered the words, I wondered why.

Of course I am still a carer – that mum is currently with my brother and will soon go into a home doesn’t mean I am not a carer. I am still responsible for liaising with social services, finances and, no doubt, visiting. (I dread the visiting.) It’s too soon to think my caring days are over.

But I no longer have ‘hands-on’ responsibility. I don’t brush mum’s teeth, change her pads, do her washing, deal with her moods... The really important part of being a carer is over.

So why am I still claiming to be a carer?

Perhaps I’m not yet out of the habit?

Habit? Is that the right word? I have cared for my parents for 12 years: my whole identity is shot through with being a carer. How can I stop thinking of myself as a carer just like that?

I didn’t think of myself as a carer at all until mum came to live with me. This is strange: caring from a distance can be worse than the hands-on stuff. I now know I was in that twilight world every carer goes through before they realise that there is help out there.

If the government is to change carers’ lot, it must get across to carers – and others – just who is a carer and why they are important.

Yet the thing I hear most is that carers save the economy £87 billion a year.

Is this why carers are important? I don’t think so.

Forget the economy. Carers are important because they look after those whom society would, I think, prefer to forget. Our society simply can’t deal with the halt and the lame, the demented or the frail. We are far too busy securing bonuses to make a carer’s eyes water, buying handbags at £500 a pop, building cars that go faster than any speed limit, and celebrating anyone who gets on TV.

Such activities may be fun but, compared to the activities of a carer, they are, in my opinion, utterly meaningless.

In making my lovely mum’s life meaningful, I was contributing to the meaning of my own life. To be a carer is, in my opinion, to be truly human.

No wonder I am reluctant to give up the title.

More from Marianne Talbot
Saga and caring
Useful contacts for carers

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Reader comments

Only became a member last night and read two of your diary blogs I hope this does not mean you are going to discontinue with this diary. Everything you have said is so familiar to me and your wishes for the future philosophies and environment of Nursing Homes is exactly what I used to provide in Nottinghamshire - I hope when your mother goes to LIVE in a (home) you find what you are looking for. But of course NO-ONE CAN CARE FOR HER and LOVE HER AS YOU DO and you will NEVER STOP DOING THAT. Bless you both.

Posted by: Tricia Gamwell | 04/07/2008 01:40:08

Amazingly moving and humbling, Marianne. God bless you and your mum.

Posted by: Svenson67 | 03/07/2008 12:54:05

 

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