Should I ask my grown-up children to pay rent?

Portrait Of Family With Adult Son At Home.

Shutterstock / SpeedKingz

Question

Like many older parents I find I am providing accommodation for “boomerang kids”.

I’ve now got three grown-up children under my roof who have, after university and working away, all returned to the family home.

Luckily, they have all got jobs, but they never seem to have much money to spend.

The cost of renting, should they move out, would see their disposable income fall even further and they all have huge student debts.

My husband and I have long since given up plans for a retirement “à deux” while the children are still on our hands. They each have a boyfriend/girlfriend and at weekends the house can be like Grand Central Station.

I suppose we must secretly like having them around as it keeps us young, or we would take measures to throw them out.

My question is: are we doing the right thing by giving them a home, or should we take a hard line and – metaphorically, at least – change the locks? And if we let them stay, should we charge them rent?

We don’t need the money and they do, but I do wonder if there is some moral issue here about them living rent-free when they are working and my husband and I are on our pensions, albeit not too badly off?

Answer

All I can say is, I hope you are not still doing their washing!

But let’s be practical here. According to recent figures from the Office of National Statistics, 4.9 million adult children are living under the same roof as their parents – that's one in every four-and-half families.

Of those living at home, more than three-quarters (78%) are in their twenties, but over one in ten (11%) are in their thirties, so you’re clearly not alone with your problem.

If you thought that giving your child a home would save you money in the long run you’d be wrong. Supporting your child at home actually costs more over the years than helping them get a flat, or so research maintains.

So, what’s to be done?

It’s a blessing that you “secretly” like having your children around. I suggest it’s not a very well-kept secret, as you’ve certainly let your children in on it. Pity those other parents who have grown-up children at home and hate it.

We know that, in these difficult economic times, children have never found it harder to get on the housing ladder. They are saddled with student debt and the cost of basics, such as running a car and travelling by public transport.

Even lunches at the office have gone stratospheric. That’s before they’ve bought work clothes, had a bit of fun, like a Saturday night out, treated their partner to a weekend away or taken a full holiday.

Parents also quite like a bit of control: knowing what their children are up to, who they are dating, what they are eating and the hours they keep.

That’s probably a bad thing, but as well as enjoying your children’s – no doubt – charming company, it probably contributes to the explanation about why you haven’t actually changed the locks or moved out yourself.

Stressed young blonde grown up daughter arguing with nervous old mature mother, sitting together at home. Irritated elderly woman lecturing adult child, different generations misunderstanding gap. — Shutterstock / fizkes

Set some rules

You need to decide whose home it is and who calls the shots.

You can’t be expecting your working children to be home at a certain time or get upset if they don’t turn up for supper because they’ve gone for an after-work drink with their friends. Nor should you be doing their darning and washing.

Perhaps an arrangement more like flatmates would work better, when you have to respect each other’s comings and goings? How you work this out is going to be up to you – but work it out you should.

Don't become a hotel

Forget cooking and shopping rotas. Offer them a meal if you’ve cooked one and there’s some food to spare but turn a deaf ear to the question “What’s for dinner?”.

You are not offering hotel service. They should buy their own food and cook it – and indeed offer you some of their dinner on the same basis as you would offer yours to them.

Charge them a share of the bills and insist they keep common parts of the house clean and tidy. It’s none of your business if their bedrooms are a tip – they are adults after all – but they should keep them clean, as dirt travels to other parts of the house.

If they don’t want to clean them themselves, on no account step in. Hire a cleaner and charge them a share of the cost.

The big question is: do you charge them rent when they are apparently so hard up? I’m afraid the answer has to be: yes, even if it makes them skint and you don’t need the money.

There are two reasons for this: the first is that paying your way is what adults do, and picking up the tab so your children can treat their wages as pocket money for spending is infantilising them.

The second reason, which is really part of the same thing, is that it’s good practice for the day that will surely come when they do have to pay rent or a mortgage. It is simply good discipline.

You are doing your children no favours by letting them become accustomed to a high level of disposable income, and indeed are making a rod for your own back.

They will never become independent if they think they can’t afford their own place. If you charge them something near-ish to market rent (although not too close - after all, they need some financial breathing space if they’re to save enough to move out) they will realise that they can afford it, because they just have to swap one rent (yours) for another.

What should you do with the rent?

Finally, what do you do with the money that you would have accepted in lieu of rent?

Many retired people would welcome the extra income, and you’ll find articles on this website about people making money from their home by renting out rooms simply to make ends meet.

You are lucky, in that you don’t seem to need the money.

In which case, tell the children to open a savings account and put the money aside – this could be a Lifetime ISA if they’re thinking of buying a house in the future, a personal pension or there are plenty of cash ISAs offering a good rate of interest at the moment.

If they get into the habit of this, it will soon mount up (although do make sure they pay attention to the rules regarding the amount they can pay into each type of account every year).

Then, when the time comes and you eventually decide to downsize to that little place in the country you’ve always dreamed of, they’ll have something in reserve to help them move onto the next stage in their life.

Annie Shaw is a financial agony aunt, journalist, BBC broadcaster and money expert. She’s also a former Times and Telegraph staffer and Independent on Sunday, Express and Saga columnist.