“Retirement is driving a wedge between me and my wife”
Dr Miriam Stoppard helps a retired couple find ways to spend time together and handle time apart.
Alun Callender
Dr Miriam Stoppard helps a retired couple find ways to spend time together and handle time apart.
I am very ashamed to admit this but since retiring a year ago I have become increasingly possessive over my wife. She retired long before me, and she had only ever worked part time because of the children, so she has a huge roster of commitments in the day and evening – padel, book club, volunteering and so on. She is always on her way out somewhere and I feel we are like ships that pass in the night.
She says I need to be proactive about activities now that I am retired but I’m used to going into an office five days a week for a stimulating job – I worked in publishing – and I don’t know where to start. Meanwhile she is never there – and although most of her activities happen with other women there are a few men in the mix that I’m not sure I like the look of. She says my attitude is unacceptable and is making her want to go out ever more. I was looking forward to my retirement but it’s really driving a wedge between us.
Well, she’s right, your attitude is unacceptable and she’s right on another point. It’s high time you occupied yourself in other ways than simply staying in the house and feeling sorry for yourself. You know, you almost condemn yourself with your own words. You’re saying you had an excellent job in publishing that was very stimulating and you feel there’s nowhere to go now.
Well, how about trying to look for something that brings you the excitement and satisfaction of your previous job? You could find it if you’re prepared to put the effort in and stop wallowing in self-pity. What do you think your wife did when for years you left her behind at home while you went off to your exciting job? It seems that she’s a sort of woman who simply wouldn’t twiddle her fingers but decided to create a life for herself beyond domesticity.
Your job was ready-made whereas she had to make her “job” for herself. You should be proud of her rather than complaining about her. You know that the things you’re thinking and saying make you unlovable? If you want to become lovable, so your wife wants to spend time with you, you’re going to have to change your ways.
Why don’t you make a list of things you’d like to pursue now? Perhaps joining a book club, perhaps learning a foreign language, perhaps learning to play a new sport, for example, golf. Then you could open a conversation with your wife to discuss how you could join up together more, for instance, travelling or going on a cruise. Or you could learn a new skill together like bridge or chess because these games are totally absorbing. Not only do you owe it to your wife to have this conversation, you owe it to yourself unless you want to have a lonely, rather miserable retirement.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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