My husband and I are at loggerheads over spending
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a woman struggling with post-retirement marital money arguments.
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a woman struggling with post-retirement marital money arguments.
My husband and I are at loggerheads over spending. He always worked full-time and was the main breadwinner, while I had a part-time job – and still do.
He has recently retired on a decent pension, but has now become extremely neurotic about money and questions everything I spend. I am not by any means a spendthrift – I understand that there is less money to spend, but I refuse to cut back where we don’t need to, particularly as I am actually still earning.
My mother developed dementia aged 72, and I am very conscious that, while we are both in our early 60s and in good health, no one knows how long this will last, and we should enjoy life while we can.
Many relationships flounder over the subject of money. One partner thinks the other is spendthrift, and the other thinks that partner is mean and too tight with money.
Besides this axis of opposites, there’s often also the burning question of independence. In most marriages, having money means power, and if a woman is working like you, earning money puts you in a position of considerable strength.
To my mind, this means you have rights within your marriage, and a voice, and as a money-earner, you have the right to equality when discussing post-retirement money matters with your husband.
This may be an unusual position for him to find himself in, so in your shoes I would take it slowly and gently, your aim being to find common ground and see your future relationship as collaborative.
I know that in a collaborative relationship, it's your husband who's going to have to make the most effort to accommodate your point of view. But is it not possible for you to open up an honest conversation about money matters, budgeting and expenses? I know it's not easy to be frank, and that discussing finances can be a minefield, but I think it's worth making the effort.
Write a few notes on the topics you want to discuss, your position on each of them and an estimate of your annualised income. This kind of conversation requires a lot of give and take, and compromises will have to be made. But if you carefully forecast all your assets and income into the future together, you may find that the future looks a lot more rosy than it does when you’re rowing over money. Your husband will see that your part-time salary goes some way towards being equal with his pension.
Perhaps you could broach a conversation by saying, “Are you worried about the future? Are you concerned about having enough money to last us into our old age? Let’s talk about it.”
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