Dr Miriam Stoppard helps a husband who worries that his wife has become too friendly with a recently divorced male friend.
Q. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am concerned that my wife has developed feelings for a friend of ours. We used to be friends with him as part of a couple but they have recently divorced after 30 years of marriage.
At first I encouraged her to invite him over to make him feel better but now he seems to be around the whole time and she seems very familiar with him. She says she is just trying to be nice and to help someone who is primarily my friend and that it’s ridiculous that I should be jealous.
What do you think I should do?
On the basis of what she said, I think your wife could well be right. She’s just doing what every good friend does for a person who’s very unhappy and at a loss what to do. She’s being friendly and sympathetic and possibly offering a shoulder to cry on. Few men feel they can cry on the shoulder of another man but it comes easily to cry on a woman’s shoulder.
Your friend sees your wife and your home as a port in a storm. Most men feel bereft, rejected, even worthless after a marriage break-up and he finds not just your wife but also your home a comfortable and safe place to be. He sees it as a haven where he can nurse his wounds and soothe the pain of his marriage split.
I’m not saying your suspicions are entirely wrong. I’m saying if you continue to harbour them before having done a bit of background research, they could endanger your own marriage. I think you have to examine your jealousy.
You may say you’re not a jealous person, but if you’re not, you’re being at least proprietorial, seeing your wife as your property. That way lies disaster, especially if your wife is a woman who treasures her independence. She could find your suspicions deeply offensive if you pursue them so I’d tread very carefully if I were you.
On the other hand if your jealous feelings will only fester then it’s time for a heart to heart. That sounds serious but it doesn’t need be if you use a light touch. And I don’t mean with your wife, I mean with your friend.
In your jealous shoes and bearing in mind he’s a friend of yours, not just you and your wife as a couple, you could suggest meeting up on neutral ground, say a pub for a drink. And as a good friend ask him how he’s feeling. Is he missing his wife? How is he managing? Does he feel lonely? Does he have other friends besides you to turn to?
You could then steer the conversation around to speaking about his visits to your house and if your wife is helping him cope since his split.
You can find some tips on how best to support him by looking at this link: a guide to supporting someone through divorce.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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