The money secrets that people keep – and how to stop them damaging your relationship

Money is widely acknowledged as the number one cause of arguments in relationships. So it’s perhaps not surprising that a quarter of married couples and 30% of those in committed relationships keep ‘financial secrets’ from their partner, according to research from Starling Bank.

While most of us don’t have thousands stashed in secret accounts, how many of us can hand on heart say we’ve never fibbed to our partner about money? 

So where do you draw the line? When is it reasonable and when is it damaging to a relationship?

What’s on this page? 

• Different attitudes to openness
• Secret spending habits
• Secret savings
• Emotional baggage
• How to spot the signs of money secrets
• 7 steps to achieve more financial openness

Different attitudes to openness

There are financial secrets that are undeniably secrets: kept intentionally from the partner through lies or omissions. 

Other money secrets might fall into a grey area. What one person might consider privacy is another person’s secrecy, says Vicky Reynal, financial psychotherapist and author of Money on your Mind: the Psychology behind your Financial Habits.

“I’ve seen partners keep important information about the deteriorating state of their finances - perhaps a business or investments are performing poorly – out of a desire ‘not to worry’ their partner. But what isn’t thought about is the impact of a lie, of a secret, on the relationship,’ says Reynal.

Secret spending habits

While couples quarrel about most aspects of their finances, it’s what their other half spends that causes the most friction. 

How much of our spending we keep secret is often in proportion to how judged we feel, says Reynal. If we are ashamed of our own behaviour – for example, if we wish we could keep our shopping under control – we judge ourselves. But there’s also a fear of our partner’s judgement as well. We hide it rather than face the shame of disclosing it to them.

And, of course, overspending may lead to debt. One in six people has hidden debt from a partner, according to credit report company ClearScore. Financial coach Sara Maxwell, founder of Wealth Coach, says: “Where one person has built up quite a significant debt, a lot of shame can build up around that. The idea of telling that person before they put a plan in place to deal with it feels impossible.”

Secret savings

How do you feel about the idea of your partner having savings you know nothing about? Do you have secret savings of your own? For one in three people, these savings pots are in case something goes wrong with their relationship, according to a survey from investment platform Hargreaves Lansdown.

Having secret savings is more common in the over-55s than younger couples. This can be sensible, especially given that two in five marriages end in divorce, says Sarah Coles, head of personal finance at Hargreaves Lansdown.

“Women are more likely than men to be saving just in case the relationship ends. It may reflect the fact that on average they’re more likely to earn less and have more caring responsibilities, which could mean more immediate financial problems in the event of a split,” she adds.

Soon after 57-year-old Sue* remarried, she received £3,000 through an inheritance. She wanted to spend the money on her own daughters and felt that if she told her new partner, he’d want to share it equally. So she kept it a secret from her partner. “It didn’t feel fair. I wasn’t prepared to have the argument, so it was easier to keep quiet and put it in a separate account,” she says.

There can be darker reasons why people want to keep money secrets. Financial abuse – trying to financially control someone in a relationship – can be an aspect of domestic abuse. If you feel that might be happening to you, the NHS website has lots of information about where to seek help for domestic abuse.

Emotional baggage

How we’ve learned to structure relationships through childhood and adult life may also be behind tendencies to financial secrecy. “For example, we might be acting out our fear of giving ‘everything’ to the other and getting ‘too close’ to them by being fully transparent because in past relationships we have felt betrayed, unexpectedly abandoned and so on,” says Reynal.

In blended families where there are children or grandchildren, there can be secrecy. Maxwell adds: “Experiences and patterns from the past, if unresolved, can show up in the new relationship. Sometimes people haven’t discussed what’s in their individual wealth picture and wills because they don’t want to have the conflict. In these cases, you can be leaving it for the people you leave behind when you pass at the hardest possible time,” she says.

How to spot the telltale signs of money secrets 

• Your partner avoids money conversations, changing the subject, make a joke of it, or finding excuses of why “now isn’t a good time”. 
• One of you knows everything about the other’s finances, but the financial transparency only works one way.
• They are secretive around their phone and laptop. 
• Changes in behaviour. Are they overly affectionate and accommodating, potentially trying to compensate for the guilt they feel? Or are they irritable and stressed?

7 steps to achieve more financial openness

If you’d like to have more openness about money in your relationship, these are some steps you can try.

1. Work first on creating a safe and open space to chat, and start small. Don’t expect to be able to go in and have the big and challenging questions answered straight away, says Maxwell. 
2. Read StepChange’s guide on talking to loved ones about debt and talk to an expert on the free helpline.
3. Many couples have an account for shared living expenses, with a set amount that they both contribute every month. If you don’t do this, you could consider whether you’d find this useful. Discuss with your partner whether you’d both put the same amount in, or set it in proportion to your respective incomes.
4. You might find it useful to agree a monthly discretionary spending threshold – how much you can each spend without having to talk to the other person about it.
5. Set expectations around money transparency. Reynal says: “Partners should aim to be on the same page about what they’ve agreed is private, versus what they would perceive as deceptive or hurting trust – bearing in mind that trust is the cornerstone of a relationship.” 
6. Contact a financial psychotherapist or money coach to explore the emotional side of your relationship with money: for example how your money mindset shapes your attitudes to spending, and whether financial behaviour is sabotaging your relationship.
7. If you need to make structural changes to your finances, contact an independent financial adviser. For example, this might be worthwhile if you need advice on how best to mitigate tax if you are moving in together, or if you want to discuss adding more to one person’s pension pot.

* Surname withheld on request