Snoring - how a sleep divorce saved my relationship

Admitting your bedroom habits can be embarrassing – especially when it comes to the subject of sleeping in a different room to your partner.
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​Both my kids are over 18 now, but there’s definitely a raised eyebrow when they see a few of my things in the spare room.
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​But things could be about to change now the Daily Mail has revealed King Charles and Queen Camilla sleep in separate bedrooms, due to the monarch's back pain.
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​Sleeping apart can spark concerns that something is wrong in the relationship, but sleep scientist Russell Foster has said it can be a positive move.
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​Speaking at the Hay Festival recently, Foster said: “So many people say, ‘I slept with my partner for 50 years, it's the end of our relationship.’ No, it isn't. It's the beginning of a new relationship, where both of you ideally would be happier, more responsive to each other, less impulsive, and less irritable,” he concluded.

Why I sleep in a separate bed

I can personally vouch for everything Foster says.
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​ Sleeping in separate rooms is commonly referred to as a 'sleep divorce’, and it’s on the rise with the over-50s. A quarter (25%) of retired people surveyed by the National Bed Federation admitted to sleeping in separate beds.
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​Funnily enough, my girlfriends don’t raise an eyebrow when I tell them this happens, and a couple of them even agree they do the same. Although it’s important to note, I haven’t fully decamped to the spare bedroom (which I'm lucky to have, because child number one is just finishing uni).
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​​ My routine goes something like this...

• 10pm – snuggle and fall asleep together in main bedroom.
• 1am – shush partner a couple of times then gently push him onto his side (not always easy as he’s almost double my size).
• 1.15am – put earplugs in as he once again rolls onto his back.
• 3.30am – wake with a start at the sound of a roaring ‘train’ in my ear and with a silicone earplug stuck to my lip. Concede defeat. Take comfy pillow into spare room and remove ticking clock from the wall (must take this out of the bedroom once and for all).
• 3.40am – drift off into blissful sleep, fully star-shaped on the spare bed.

Couples sleeping in separate beds is nothing new

Is sleeping in separate beds bad for your relationship?

'A good night's sleep makes our relationship stronger'

“That was 15 years ago,” adds John Frew (Becky’s dad). “Aside from the odd night when we’ve had guests or been on holiday, we sleep separately. We’re lucky to have the room and it’s a great way to halt an actual divorce, due to lack of sleep.”

He adds: “Having hit our sixties, we’ve found sleep becomes far more important than anything else to enable us to function throughout the day.”

Roland agrees that there are benefits to sleeping separately: "Mood is generally improved with a better night’s rest. It can be frustrating if one partner is consistently disrupting the other's sleep, so sleeping apart is one way to combat that issue," he says.

Separate beds shouldn't mean separate lives

Approaching the conversation with your partner about sleeping in separate rooms can feel daunting, but the Frews’ advice is: “Make sure you still have that time to speak with your partner like you would usually in bed before you go to sleep. We’ve been together 46 years and never go to bed without having a chat and a kiss goodnight.”

I heartily agree with them. And, as they say, it’s not just the non-snorer who benefits from you sleeping apart from each other. My partner says he is much more relaxed if he knows I'm not in the bed when he feels he's having a "snory" night.

“It’s lovely falling asleep together,” he explains, “but knowing you don’t have the pressure of waking up the other person, that does help my sleep too."

"Talking to each other is key"

"Ultimately, it’s important you both agree it’s something you’re on board with, and make it work for your situation. As Lou is always telling me – it's all about communication.”

Roland echoes this by saying: "Talking to each other is key for any relationship. Trying to come up with solutions that allow all parties to get the sleep they need through open dialogue is important."

When you start the conversation with your partner, you might find they're feeling the same way.